Stray by Stephanie Danler

Author:Stephanie Danler [Danler, Stephanie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Published: 2020-05-19T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

I had a flight to catch, and he wouldn’t let me go. We finished lunch at a restaurant near his temporary office, and instead of going back to work he followed me to the bathroom, waited right outside the door. He had packed me a bag of snacks for the plane: carrot sticks and hummus, cheese crisps. I was touched.

His touches were heavy, the small of my back as I went up the stairs, his looks were heavy, wanting to hold me in place. Rare was the time that we parted from each other without panic that it would be the last time. (Will you come back? he asked. Or from me: Tell me the day you are leaving and I will come. An infinite loop.)

Always the threat that I would have had enough. We—strangely—never thought that he might end things with me. Over and over I said, If you want to stay married, stop coming for me. It’s simple. Yes, he might never leave her, but he would never stop pursuing me, believing that we had a future. I think he hoped that if he waited long enough, it would take care of itself. I can’t do it unless I know you’re there, he said. I’m right here, I said, texting him from a different city. No, he said, I need you here. I thought he was treading water when he said this. It didn’t occur to me that he was really saying, I don’t trust you.

He trailed my suitcase to the sidewalk, the day turning grizzled during our lunch. Did he notice things like that? I loved to talk about the weather, I always needed to exclaim about the heat, the flakes of snow. You’re so affected by things, he said, and I didn’t know if he meant it kindly. All I meant was that seasons were changing, and I was still with him. The passage of time was supposed to add up to something better. We were still doing this.

It got so gray, I said, eyes up the street, ostensibly searching for a cab but also navigating our private world and the public one.

Yes, it’s gray, he said, like I was a child.

It’s going to rain, I said, the air is thick with it. Sigh. Spring.

Maybe you should stay, he said.

Maybe you should leave, I said. A cab in the distance. I shot my hand up out of instinct, then brought it down out of fear, then put it up again, with force.

We hugged. That part of town was too central for kissing, and we liked that, didn’t we? We liked the way the unsaid alerted our bodies, how our desire overcast the days.

Maybe, someday, soon, I said, which is how I always left him. He followed me into the cab, sat next to me. I looked at the driver, scared. What are you doing? Don’t you have to be back at work?

He shut the door. Told the driver to go to the airport and I started laughing.

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